Be careful what you wish for!  A common tidbit of advice handed down through generations.  Advice that I have always heeded, as my life is but a living testimony of a journey sprinkled with sparkling manifested wishes. This year, has brought answers to many of my intentional full moon prayers.  I, however, am finding it difficult to embrace and incorporate these blessings into my life and being.  Many, many things that no longer serve my highest good are pealing/falling/dying away.  Which, I acknowledge as direct results of my ritual requests to purge myself of the unnecessary, the outdated, the ‘old stories.’  This is an amazing cleansing, but even with my requests for a GENTLE transition…this release has left me very ungrounded, unsettled, uncertain and…well…lost.

I have always felt very practical, ambitious and goal oriented.  My track record displays an array of accomplishments that I am proud of and humbled by.  Showing up in the best way possible within my roles of mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend is one of my most treasured feats.  Committing to and completing my schooling another.  Surviving and finishing boot camp to secure my ability to step into my dream job of being a Correctional Counselor, yet another.  My spiritual adventures have proven to be inspirational, fulfilling and transformative…allowing all of the above mentioned to occur!  Now, however, with all the change and shedding of layers that have occurred over the past 2.5 years, I find myself hovering within what feels like a vacuum of light and air void of any concrete and grounding knowings of ‘who I am, what I want, what goal I should pursue…what I should manifest next?’  This transformative shedding of that which no longer serves…this answer to my prayers…has left me vulnerably exposed.  I feel like a blank slate…a daunting blank canvas…which I do not know what to write, draw, create on.

On days where I feel particularly connected to source, grounded in spirit and guided by my heart and soul…the ability to write, draw, create whatever I dream up…proves exciting, exhilarating, empowering.  Oh my goddess am I thankful for these days.  These days prove to be frequent and my ability to acknowledge them WHILE they are occurring allows me to incorporate the learnings gained within that day, days or week.  Again, thank goddess!  This transformative shedding has been experienced somewhat like an adolescent, turbulent, exciting and dreadfully scary rollercoaster ride of duality.  One moment, day, week I am grounded, connected, integrated and the next moment, day, week I am hovering in the void…fighting the urge to slink into the black hole of numbness brought on by, what feels like, the need for unsurmountable emotional reconstruction and redefining of self.  And yet other moments…I find myself feeling ALL of my feelings ALL at once.  While this brings confusion and is all consuming, it is much preferred over feeling nothing.  So, I breathe into the feelings, lean into them…and…feel my way through the best I can.

Much of my early life was experienced in survival mode.  This was due to the perceptions I held regarding myself and the world.  Starting in my twenties, however, after becoming a mother, I mindfully began to challenge my perceptions in order to move toward a thriving life rather than one of mere survival.  I was bone-chillingly aware of my daughter looking to me as a role model and knew I had to change.  Children…what angelic blessings they are!  I thought it uncanny, how my daughter was able to spark a relentless flame… fueling my fire to do endless, deep self-work…in order to show up for her in my role as mother in the best way possible…always.  This continues today, while my daughter is in her twenties and my son just turned eight.  While I am forever and endlessly grateful that my children chose me as their mother…I know it is not their responsibility to fulfill me, complete me and/or be my sole sense of joy.  I have to have my own sense of self separate from them, just as they need to learn, grow and ultimately spread their own wings to adventure off into their own lives.  My connection to the ‘roles’ I play characterizes just another layer peeling off, leaving me vulnerably exposed and trying to redefine who I am without the titles, roles and responsibilities.

Never mind that I am no longer a ‘Correctional Counselor,’ I no longer hold a title of employment AT ALL.  My once held title of employment, under a boss that I admired, with co-workers that inspired me and amongst participants that always left me in awe…gone…peeled away.  This did not seem like such a transformative event at the time of my resigning.  Perhaps I was more emotionally ready for a change than my body can recall.  Or perhaps I was only focused on the next chapter of my adventure, which was beginning firmly on a sound foundation created by right choices made for the right reasons.  My family and I were moving, post this resignation, to join my late father-in-law in Colorado.  We were able to enjoy just shy of two years closer to him.  This I hold close, cherish and consider a blessing brought on by right choices made for right reasons.  Since my father-in-law crossed over, however, this solid foundation has shifted…altered in an unsettling manner.  My purpose for being in Colorado has melted, as Papa made Colorado home for me.  This is yet another layer shifting my ability to feel secure and grounded.

Furthermore, with the layer of self-definition created by employment title AND employment status removed, I feel less than.  Less than personally, as well as less than professionally.  I feel less than in terms of my level of service to the community, the greater good, the whole.  I am extremely grateful to be present and available to my family…but there is a lacking feeling there as well.  The frustration continues, as I also lack direction.  For a Sagitarius like myself…who desires to draw her arrow back and aim with clarity of direction and purpose…this lack of direction is BRUTAL.  Without direction, I cannot set a goal…without a goal, I cannot set out with an ambitious heart and determined mind to reach said goal.  UGH…stuck, lost, floating in the void of nothingness.  While at the same time.  HMMM…open, fresh start, clean slate, dancing in the realm of possibilities.  They both ring true.  Experienced in unison at times and individually at others.

Why share all this now?  Honestly…because today was feeling like a less than connected/grounded day and I needed to do something.  This is cathartic for me.  And…I! Always! Hope! that my words help heal, validate, connect, comfort others in a time of need…knowingly and/or by surprise.   I also share this all because this is the last month of the year.  A month best used to reflect.  This brings me clarity prior to transitioning into the New Year.  Clarity that I will tap into while creating my 2016 Vision Board.  Clarity that I will need in order to wish, pray, manifest what is best for me…for us all.

With this rollercoaster ride that I am on, I thought writing, sharing this information, would remind me of what is important.  Allow me to put out there that which no longer should remain within me, and in a forum that may assist another on their journey through this tumultuous year of change…desired change or change forced upon you by the universe/source/etc.  This year has forced me to confront that which no longer works in my life and/or serves my highest purpose.  I have had to switch the way I perceive things, go with the flow, let things go, stand up for myself and stay in my power.  These all have pushed me out of my comfort zone and shown me sides of myself and others that ‘maintaining the status quo’ kept in the shadows.  I want to keep being pushed out of my comfort zone, shedding that which no longer serves and transforming into my highest form of self.  I just ask for strength, courage, patience and compassion for self and others while remaining on this journey.   I may not know with certainty where I am going…but I claim here, with y’all as my witnesses…that I will remain mindful, awake and aware in order to incorporate all present learnings so my tomorrows may be even grander than my todays.  Why should I know who I am with clarity…I’m transforming baby!

Love, ME.