While readying my bath for a meditative journey I got to thinking about time.   I remember feeling like time would suffocate me, during my pre-mom days.  I could never find enough distractions to keep me from bumping into myself, feeling my feelings, thinking my thoughts.  Then early young mom days, I remember never having enough time to ‘get my thoughts straight’ as now I was busy caring for others, which I loved, but you know…  Then, in my 30’s, I had a schedule filled with distractions, responsibilities and demands, had I ‘arrived?’  No, ultimately this just kept me distracted and disconnected from myself.  Then at 40, I moved away from all I knew, all which defined me and by which I defined myself.  Time shifted.  I was unemployed, no longer defining myself by my important job or crazy schedule.  I was helping my loved ones adjust to their lives, new roles and responsibilities…drifting in the ambiguity which had become my identity.  I settled after a bit and found many things to fill my days.  Things that filled me with peace and joy and met my social, spiritual, mental and physical needs.  These outlets let me escape my stresses/fears/frustrations/anxiety.  Some served to connect me to like minded souls, some gave me peace/serenity/solitude, while others gave me joy and opportunities to express my spirit.  Then last year, some ‘time’ in March, my back started hurting.  For a while I tried to continue with my outlets…yoga, belly dancing, walking…but one by one I had to give them up, as my pain was getting worse rather than better.  I couldn’t sit for longer than 15 minutes without pain.  I was icing my back in order to be able to sit while meeting with clients and standing at all other times.  Sleeping was restless, frustrating, painful and anything but restful.  Time was again slamming myself into myself…but now with necessary self-care and at a much much slower pace!!  From this limited, very slowed pace of living, my outlets felt like luxuries of times past, never to return.  Sleeping was draining, getting out of bed and dressed and driving to work…hurt.  My pain did not afford me the relaxing options of sitting or laying down, as these induced more pain and I couldn’t do either without heat or ice.  Time seemed slower, staying present was forced upon me, as my body demanded it be acknowledged every moment of every day.  I couldn’t escape myself! I needed to listen to my body and care for it, lest it flare up, intensifying the pain and limiting me more.  Oh how I longed for the times when I could busy myself, distract myself and keep my shtuff at a comfortable arms length, AWAY.  But, daily pain for months and months made this option a distant memory…I needed to settle in and do some work, some mind, body, soul work.  Which, I did.  Eight months in, and weeks before my last day at my job due to the agency closing, I had a MRI done.  I was told that I had a disc that was bulging significantly and surgery was suggested.  This was surreal and shocking as I am otherwise ‘knock on wood’ pretty healthy.  The thought of back surgery seemed premature, drastic and dramatic, however, so I reached out to a chiropractor that a friend had referred me to.  He suggested a treatment plan of 20 sessions including decompression and several other treatments.  This…this, seemed more appropriate for me.  So I signed on the dotted line, paid, declined my neurosurgeon’s suggestion for surgery and had at it.  Today, my friends, marks the end of that journey.  Yesterday, I was able to paint my own toenails for the first time in over a year.  I have been walking, stretching and incorporating some gentle/beginner’s yoga.  I behold the vision of belly dancing in my not so far off future as well.  To be able to enjoy these outlets again has skyrocketed my quality of life and I am beside myself in blessed joy for the ability to expand once again….with opportunities to experience life, rather than my waist line!!  The fact that I had the time but not the physical capacity to participate in these outlets…for a year…led me on a deep, soul searching journey to heal my relationships both with self and time.  Memories are timeless, but time is not limitless. Making peace with my past patterns of rushing and squandering time, fearing and longing for distractions from time and wishing and longing for more time has moved me more toward embracing every present moment to avoid missing any time.  Time is precious! We are precious!  How are you dancing with time these days?